With A Smile
by littlegirlintheshadows
Summary: Amidst the whirlwind relationship of the four travelers, something stirs up more commotion and more problems. Will they be able to clean things up or will everything just blow up in theri faces?


**Disclaimer: **Kazuya Minekura owns Saiyuki and its characters so none of it belongs to me…

**Warning: **Some cursing… not really graphic description of intimacy… you get the drift…

**Witnessing**

"Are you all right, saru?" Gojyo asked as he climbed up Jeep. "You don't look too good."

Goku ignored the question and proceeded to sit on his side, as far away from the red-headed youkai as possible. That action received a raised eyebrow and a frown but no words followed. And he sat there in silence with his head buried in his arms, his golden eyes partially hidden by his unruly chocolate brown tresses, but the hate and anger in them was unmistakable.

"What's gotten into the monkey?" Gojyo whispered to Hakkai. He wanted to answer the question but that would entail a punch and a lot of grappling with the kappa and he wasn't in a fighting mood as of the moment, he was in sulking drive right now, pondering over what he had witnessed last night.

He had woken up in the middle of the night and found that Sanzo wasn't by his side. He had planned to go back to sleep, thinking that Sanzo may have went out for a smoke or something. But as he laid back down on the bed they shared, he somewhat heard a muffled moaned reverberating through the wooden floor boards and snaking up the sheets and pillows. He sleepily got out of bed and made his way to the door. But before he could even fully open the door, he noticed a faint movement in the dimly lit hallways of their floor. He opened the creaky wooden door a bit and peered through the crack.

"Oi Goku, hand me a beer," the monk ordered, his hand reaching out to the back. He wordlessly picked up a cold beer from the pack and handed it over, their fingers not quite brushing the way it used to. He noted the slight turn Sanzo's head made apparently noticing the sudden quietness or maybe aloofness that settled in the Jeep's atmosphere.

He buried his head deeper into the crook of arms as memories of last night came flooding back into his mind. As he peered through the small crack, the small light coming from the end of the hallway illumined two men drenched in sweat making their naked bodies glisten in the faint light. He watched them in morbid fascination as they moved inside each other, their moans of pleasure muffled by each other's mouth as they were tangled in a passionate kiss. As a tear slipped out of his eye, he could see that their movements were starting to become erratic, following a rhythm entirely intone with their bodies. He tried to cover his ears to block out that hiss of release from Sanzo, a sound he knew all to well, a sound he thought he owned. That night shattered a lot of things he believed in.

"We'll be arriving in the next town in a few hours," Hakkai announced. "What would you want to eat, Goku?"

"Anything would be fine," was all Goku answered to the usual question that would otherwise bring about a lively answer. Jeep was suddenly filled by an unconventional silence. There were several uncomfortable glances exchanged between the three, and even Sanzo seemed troubled. Anything would be fine at all.

He thought that Sanzo was his, and he was Sanzo's. You know, the commitment thing that Hakkai was talking about with him when he was explaining what he and Gojyo have. Hakkai said that when two people were in a relationship, they have fidelity, faith, and commitment and all those stuff that lovers promise to each other. He said that being a couple meant you were exclusive to each other. But that night proved him wrong in thinking about having a commitment with Sanzo. Shit, he couldn't believe what a fool he was.

---

"Is there anything bothering you, Goku?" Hakkai asked as he walked from stall to stall, looking at supplies that they might possibly need for their next trip. "You've been awfully quiet the whole trip."

"I saw Gojyo and Sanzo fucking in the hallway last night," Goku spat out the words with so much vehemence that a small crack on his limiter appeared. But Hakkai was oblivious to this as his own face clouded over at the piece of information Goku had blurted out. He clenched his hands over the small plastic package he held and stared back at Goku, his viridian eyes a deeper hue. The boy who would normally be frightened by this, only stared back.

"I woke up last night because Sanzo wasn't by my side," Goku explained in a voice as cold as the night. "I thought he just got up for a smoke or two but when I tried to follow him, I heard something."

"The moans," Hakkai muttered as he started walking back to the inn they were staying. Goku was close at his feet and he could feel those golden orbs burning through his skin. "I thought the moans were yours and that Gojyo had gone out for a light."

"How could they do this Hakkai?" Came the angry question that even he was thinking over. Honestly, he had no idea what could have pushed those two to commit something like this and of all, to be caught red-handed.

"What happened to all the commitment shit you talked about? What happened to the promises Sanzo and I made to each other?" Goku angrily asked. Hakkai turned around and found him standing in the middle of the road, looking down at his clenched fists. When Goku looked up, he noticed the tears streaming down his face, the look of pure anguish in his eyes. It was something he was not prepared to see, something he hoped would never see: a child who loved with all his heart only to have it broken.

"I was thinking of the same thing," was all he could say. He hated to admit it but he too was at lost for words at what had taken place. Could he tell the boy that Gojyo and Sanzo were just like that, and it was a normal thing for all of them to sleep together taking into consideration that they were all traveling together? Or could he just tell the boy that maybe Gojyo and Sanzo have a thing going on, and break both of their hearts in the process?

They walked back to the inn in silence, hoping that Sanzo and Gojyo were nowhere in the middle of doing something. With sure steps, Hakkai pushed back the door and stepped inside the inn where the receptionist greeted them. He could feel Goku waiting like a trained dog by his side, ready to pounce at his master's orders.

"Have you seen if our companions went out?" He asked pleasantly, the smile he always wore was back on his face. The girl didn't suspect a thing. She smiled back and told them that after they had left both men went upstairs. He clenched his fists in loose anger but continued to smile. He looked at Goku but saw nothing but unruly brown locks that hid his eyes. He managed a thank you and proceeded to their rooms.

"As much as possible Goku, try to stay calm," he told the young boy. "If you break your limiter, not do you only kill us but everyone else in sight, and that's something we can't afford."

"I don't need to take off my limiter to kill anyone. I can do it with my bare hands, limiter and all."

He didn't say anything anymore as they walked up the stairs. He knew that the boy was beyond himself and what was connecting him to this world and to the rest of them was a mere string of sanity. Their footsteps were soft, almost unheard. And as they neared their rooms, they could hear a pair of voices, talking in such a low manner that he couldn't help but feel suspicious again. Before Hakkai could even do anything, Goku had opened the door with a resounding thump. Something was wrong in the brightly colored walls of their room. It wasn't the pink and blue floral patterns on the curtains. It wasn't the clean, dustless floors. As he slumped to the floor, tears streaming down his face and a shocked Goku standing beside him, he still continued to think what was wrong with the picture that lay before him.

---

Gojyo tried to think of an excuse for the current position he was in but he couldn't form a coherent and suitable one. Maybe it was because he was half-naked to the waist up or perhaps because he was straddling the blond corrupted priest. No, maybe it was because his true lover, Cho Hakkai, was crying in a heap before him and Sanzo's own little pet was standing by the door way.

"I thought you went out for the groceries," was all he could muster up. If the situation wasn't so serious he would have laughed at his own lame excuse, but this was no laughing matter. As he hurriedly picked up his shirt he had carelessly thrown aside, he saw that Sanzo was busy picking up his robe. The only sound he could hear was the soft sobbing from the door and the soft rustle of cotton.

"Don't fucking touch me you bastard!" Hakkai screamed hoarsely and swatted the hands he had outstretched that were supposed to help him off the floor. He was surprised by the vehemence in the brunette's voice but reconsidered that it was only fitting given the current setting of the room. He wanted to hold the crying man in his arms and gently wipe those tears away, reassure him of…how will he reassure him of anything?

He continued to stand there, next to Sanzo, assessing how the hell had this taken place? Ah yes, last night, he had seen Sanzo standing by the back door having a smoke and he had asked him for a light. They had talked like normal people, something that rarely happens between them. They discussed things like the aimless trip to the west, Chang-An Temple, which was better Hi-Lites or Marlboros. It was inane talking, just stuff that happens between two guys sharing space to smoke. Then he had asked how Sanzo and Goku were doing, how they were faring out in the whole lovers business.

But before the other could even answer, he had asked if Sanzo had ever gotten tired of the whole monogamy thing. He had pointed out that a little excitement here and there was good for your health, keeps the adrenaline going through your system for days and allows your mind a little more imagination during those tiresome trips from town to town. He had received a frown and a curse from the solemn blonde, but it was obvious that he had roused the curiosity of the otherwise boring man. He had wanted to further interest Sanzo in this talk but the monk was already turning to the stairs, probably returning to Goku's side.

"How could you do this to me?" Hakkai cried out, the tears seeping through each word that he uttered. "What have I ever done to deserve this kind of treatment from you?"

He wanted to apologize, to say sorry but he knew that those words were meaningless now. How many times had Hakkai told him to stop apologizing and still doing the same things? How many times had he unknowingly hurt Hakkai and the brunette still continued to show him affection and undying commitment? Christ, he could sometimes be an insensitive ass when it came to Hakkai's feelings.

Goku lashed out a hand to defensively cover Hakkai when he took a step towards the brunette. He looked at Goku and saw those golden eyes burning with anger and resolve. It must take a lot of will power for the boy not to hit him right now at such a close proximity especially since he saw him on top of his beloved keeper. But that was something he was thankful for. If Goku was going to hit him at this time, he was sure that the boy could break his face into two, maybe even his whole body if he wanted to.

He could only look hopelessly at Hakkai, wanting to wipe the tears that fell like rain from his face. But he knew that what he had done was something that would keep Hakkai crying every night. But he was also concerned for the blonde who had remained silent all through out the confrontation but had not broken his gaze from the boy who refused to look his way. He knew that inside, Sanzo was dying a thousand fold at the sight of the broken hearted boy that refused to cry or even show any sign of weakness.

---

His mind was telling him to stop running after the boy, to stop being such a weakling, to stop being a fool but his heart had taken over his whole being, going into over drive as soon as he saw the tears slip down the golden pools. He had attempted to reach out to the boy to stop him from leaving but he was too fast for him. So he had to settle for the next possible thing of reaching out to the boy which was running after him even if it looked ridiculous for a high ranking priest such as him to run after a common boy. But this wasn't a common boy he was running after. This boy was his life, his sole meaning in pursuing this senseless journey to the west.

"Goku stop it!" He said and finally grabbed the boy, arms encircling the boy's waist and pulling him close against his. He expected the boy to writhe away from him, to worm out of the embrace but Goku remained still in his arms. Even though the body in his arms was warm, he could still feel the cold radiating from him. Indifference was pouring out of his skin and coating the very air between them with an air of disregard.

"You're right, Sanzo," came the quiet response. "This has to stop. This has to end now."

The words sliced through the air like a knife. Shocked from the words that Goku had uttered, his grip around the boy softened which the boy took as an opportunity to free himself from Sanzo. And now that they were face to face, he could see the pain, the unspeakable pain etched into every feature of the boy.

"Last night, I woke up because you weren't by my side," the boy said softly, tears trickling down his face. "I got up to look for you 'cause I was worried and all. Then I saw you and Gojyo in the hallway, doing things I thought only lovers do… only we do. Why Sanzo, why did you have to do that?"

The same painful ache shot through his whole body as the words that were filled with anger and betrayal left the boy's mouth. He couldn't move, couldn't even speak any words of defense because there was truth in all that Goku had said. He wanted to lash out at the boy, to tell him to just shove it and let him be but that was gambling too much and the stakes were already too high for him. If he made the wrong move, he could lose Goku forever.

He took a step forward but Goku only stepped back and he knew that Goku wasn't running away because he was scared. He was running away because he was hurt and wounded and he was the reason why the boy was running away.

"I'm sorry," was all he could reply, his head bowed down in apology. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I've complicated our lives. I'm sorry if you think you can't trust me anymore, if you can't love me anymore."

As soon as those words left his mouth, the brunette fell to the ground crying, face buried in his small hands. He bit back his own tears and moved closer to comfort those heaving shoulders and soundless cries. Thankfully, the boy allowed himself to be comforted and as he held the boy in his arms, he prayed that things would turn out for the better. If he lost Goku, he wouldn't know what to do. He wasn't sure if he could continue with this journey.

"I'm sorry Sanzo," Goku said, pulling back from the warm embrace. "I really am but this has to end, this roller coaster ride has to end. There isn't any going back now especially after what took place."

And with that the boy, his life, his air, his sole purpose of surviving, rushed into the forest and left him standing there to digest the words he had let hanging in the air. The tears he had been holding back, the pain he had tried to quell started exploding in his chest as soon as he lost sight of the boy with chocolate brown locks. Life for him, as he always dreamed of, started to become his own living hell.

**To be continued…**

**Disclaimer: **Kazuya Minekura rightfully owns Saiyuki and all its characters.

**Warning:** Slight OOCness…and a hint of lemon…

**Searching**

It's been days, probably weeks, since Goku had decided to be left behind on that remote village to work as bell boy at a small inn. Not the typical work for the Saiten Taisen but it would keep his stomach full most of the time. But that wasn't the only thing bothering him, it was the fact that the monk had barely raised his gun and his voice at anyone. Even Hakkai looked worried.


End file.
